One of the primary reasons I tell good stories is because I know when to hop in the back seat and go along with someone else’s ride.
One of these days was this past Saturday when I ended up attending a Chicago concert in Stillwater, MN. It was a summer festival brought to Small Town America with the assistance of many corporate and military sponsors. The show was delayed by hours, so I spent a large amount of time lounging in a shade-less field, drinking tall boys, and sweating myself into a pleasant oblivion. Admittedly I was drinking with a bit of diligence and purpose: I needed to kill off any possibility of higher thought because the surroundings were quite distressing to my urban intellectual sensibilities. Children were engaged in a push-up contest at the Air Force tent. The cops were showing off a stable of German Shepherds. Attendees were pelting baseballs at an ironically impervious poster of Osama Bin Laden. Unfortunately, the all Anheuser Busch beer selection came with a hefty $6 price tag. Even after handing over my 3rd twenty I was still sober enough to listen to the MC read off the list of 40-odd sponsors. Three received cheers and applause. One was Michelob Golden Light. Another was Congresswoman Michele Bachmann. I will mention the third one later.
My remaining active brains cells could only come to one seemingly obvious solution. Michele Bachmann must be quite similar to at 16oz. tallboy of Michelob Golden Light. I watched some YouTube clips: We Now Have a Total Gangster Government, and Bachmann: “Not All Cultures are Equal” and I am still just as confused by her as ever. Perhaps an investigation of my personal emotional response to the Michelob Golden Light product design will prove illuminating.
"God Light"
As far as I can tell, Michelob Golden Light is trying to be the first beer Jesus drinks when he finally returns to Earth. It is white with gold and silver trim. The top and bottom of the can are so reflective that you appear to be holding a staff of divine power. You could put wheels on it, make it bulletproof and then use it to drive the Pope in a parade. No can of beer can touch the majestic and regal Christianity of a Mic Golden Light.
However, inside that can is the same nearly indistinguishable intoxicant that is inside every other AB product. It is not bringing you closer to Jesus; it is bringing you closer to your own death. Golden light doesn’t enlighten, it intoxicates; it get’s you drunk on a fake representation of salvation. This artificial godliness is nothing next to the real thing. When “the supreme being” was read of as a sponsor, (yes he was) the response was intense, joyous, and uproarious. If Jesus is real, he isn’t in a can… and he definitely is not in congress. All we can know for sure, is that he is a strong supporter of classic rock.
These are only impressions… advertising these days is incredibly successful at tapping into our deepest emotions and prejudices. Personally, I recommend ignoring the packaging and making choices based on the holy trinity of price, size, and alcohol content. I had more to say about this, but my final thoughts drowned in the final drops of Bud Tallboy #9.
All I can remember is the aging remaining members of Chicago singing the line “I’m addicted to you baby… You’re a hard habit to break”
The Dave Good Show 
