So after packing away your intense social anxiety you have left the house to attend a party. The inevitable has now happened and someone at the party brings up the movie “Solaris”. Here is how you want to approach all subsequent interactions regarding the sci-fi classic.
First, you need to know that they are not talking about the Steven Soderbergh/George Clooney remake, they are talking about the original film directed by legendary Russian filmmaker Andrei Tarkovsky. It’s universally known by the kind of people you go to parties with as “a really amazing film”. To be clear, It’s o.k. if you haven’t seen the original but just don’t say anything if you have only seen the remake. Seeing only a remake and not the original is a crime against Art and Culture. Someone is bound to combine “sigh” with “bitchface” if you admit to that level of ignorance. However, if you have seen both films you can reference the Clooney version and even say “I actually kind of liked it”, provided you immediately follow with, “Of course they are very different films”. Also, don’t forget to be vigilant in the fight against overconfidence. For example, don’t say anything about how either version made you think “God” may actually be an expression of higher intelligences that exist throughout Universe. Blatantly demonstrating comprehension of either film will open you to the potential negative repercussions associated with intense peer jealousy.
If at this point you’re still feeling insecure and you need to emphasize your soul’s depth, watch Tarkovsky’s 1979 film “Stalker”. Then you can feel free to bring it up during all “Solaris” conversations. Don’t worry about being utterly perplexed by its meaning. No one will have seen it and they will get really excited and feign intense interest to cover up their simmering intellectual shame. When your now new potential friends say, “What was it like!?” you say, “Even more intense and complex that Solaris!!!”. They will “totally get what you are saying”. Now that you have achieved both attention and validation, it is your own responsibility to hit the group with a hilarious or heart-wrenching personal story. Provided you can come through at this crucial moment. Delivering a fascinating and slightly self deprecating window into your vast inner life. You should gain a shallow and fleeting acceptance for at least the remainder of the evening.
Potential follow up questions.
What if someone has seen “Stalker” and understood it? What if they start asking a bunch of probing questions!? Did Tarkovsky make other movies? Yes!? What if someone has seen those other movies and starts talking about them???
This person would be easily designated an “asshole”. The others in the group would not want to endure a similar scrutiny. Feel free to respond with disdain. The group will be on your side. Maybe say something like, “Look. Not all of us had time to run to the bathroom and google “Tarkovsky””. Even if this wasn’t the case they are pushing the “Tarkovsky Socialite Credibility” button far too hard and they should clearly know better. Maybe follow up the chastising with subtle compliment a few moments later. You know, to minimize the enemies one may accumulate when dispensing “social justice”. Then maybe congratulate everyone on their intellectual curiosity and diverse cultural knowledge. Subduing them with praise and establishing yourself as creator of the group’s collective identity. These are just my choices, feel free to make the experience your own. As with most things, just stick to the basics and take the additional opportunities as they come. When properly executed, a thoughtful approach to Andrei Tarkovsky can give a person a tiny break from the deep alienation of existence. And provide the faint hope of an infinite love outside ourselves.
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