Tag Archives: Politics

Enter witty “Go Vote” slogan here

2 Nov

Is there an election today?

I can’t remember exactly but I think we are supposed to vote or something.  There is this vague recollection in the far corners of my brain that I am supposed to do something allegedly righteous every two years.  Um… I guess I will do it.  I am finding the puppet on the left 0.01% more appealing than the one on the right.  Perhaps I spread this passion through canvassing.

(dave knocks at the door and patiently waits with clipboard)

Drunk out of work dad (DOWD): Oh God… are you here to foreclose?

Dave Good: No way Jose… I am so not down with the Man.

DOWD: In that case do you have any cigarettes? I need to curb my appetite, the kids and I survive on recalled Diet Mountain Dew.

Dave Good: (hands over a cig) Let me light that for you.  I was wondering… do you plan on voting for the Christian with the bachelors degree or the guy with a law degree that is just pretending to be Christian?

DOWD: Well… The first one is a bit more like me.

Dave Good: I know… but please consider voting for the second one.  He is a bit more like me.

DOWD: Does it really matter?

Dave Good: The lawyer asshole will actually save you a little more money than the fake good-ole boy.  Please just try to look past the fact that the lawyer asshole hates you and your kind.  The good-ole boy just loves you for your constant willing exploitation.

DOWD: Holy shit. You should run for office.

Dave Good: Look at my car! You know I am way to poor to actually “participate”

(they both laugh heartily and scrounge the house for liquor)

Don’t forget to vote today.  Again, I do recommend the puppet on the left.

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This year’s summer blockbuster: The 4th Branch of Government

19 Jul

First of all, let’s start out with a big hug and thank you to The Washington Post.   I was really wondering what could possible distract me during the 6 slow moving weeks before football season.  Just when the romance of another drunken forgotten July was grabbing hold of my heart, I punched up my Mac book and discovered one of my favorite forgotten storylines.  The American People have created a 4thbranch of government that is nearly oversight free.

There is a vast network of scary secret organizations that seem to be accountable to no one. For almost ten years we have been giving a billion dollars to any ex-spy who repeated the worlds counter terrorism three times and then did a double pinky swear over a modern language bible.

I imagine the conversations went something like this:

Weary and frightened member of Congress (WFMC):  So you have the skills to defend us from a nameless and faceless enemy?

Nameless and faceless security company (NFSC): Fuck yeah.

WFMC: How much money do I need to spend to convince my constituency that I am not a pussy?

NFSC: 1 mil… no wait… 1 billion? We could kick some serious ass with a billion.

WFMC: Before I give you the money, I need to make sure The American People can trust you. Please place your hands on the exposed shoulders of this statue of Jesus in a wife beater, stare deeply into his historically accurate blue eyes and say the words “Jesus Rocks!”

NFSC: (looking around for Kutcher to make sure they aren’t being punked) Jesus Rocks!?

WFMC:  Sounds good. (Writes out a big check, gets a sweet photo with large men holding large guns and happily returns to seat) Great… just a couple more questions. Where will your headquarters be? Who is in charge? And to whom will that person report?

NFSC: (all representatives from the security company melt into a strange glistening alloy and disappear silently through the floor boards)

Ex-Presidents Farewell Bank Tour

The first step to solving a problem is admitting that you have one.  We all remember government class.  The three branches manage each other through a series of checks and balances etc.  Even to the most cynical student it seemed like a good idea… seemed like a solid plan to preserve democracy.  Unfortunately, those free wheelin three branch days are gone. That battle has been lost.  If these facts seem jarring, I would recommend a serious reassessment of your leadership structure. For example, If I were teaching a government class it would go something like this:

Mr. Good: O.K. students… before we discuss our papers about “Waco: The Rules of Engagement” let’s go over the branches of government.

Students: (in unison) Oh hellz yeah.

Mr. Good: How may are there?

Students: There are 6.  Three visible and three invisible.

Mr. Good: Excellent. Now we know the three visible ones are Executive, Legislative, and Judicial. What are the three invisible ones?

Students: #1 The vast network of consultants, lobbyists, think tanks, and alleged non-profits. #2 The secret collection of security companies and oversight free counter terrorism agencies, and of course #3 Goldman Sachs.

Mr. Good: Great job everybody! For a reward I got you all french fries from Mc Donalds!

Students: BOOOOOOO!!!!

Mr. Good: Just kidding. Your kale and berry fruit smoothies are being brought up from the cafeteria.

Students: (cheering, laughing and chanting) Mr. Dave Good aint nothin to fuck with. Mr. Dave Good aint nothin to fuck with.

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This country needs a natural pick-me-up.

8 Jul

I woke up this morning and did my usual routine of hacking up the previous nights cigarettes.  I thought to myself, I am America and my lungs are The Gulf of Mexico.  Like most of us I can’t even stomach reading an article about the BP disaster.  The anger has been far to too paralyzing to handle.

This is the morning that I let the anger go… or at least start using it for something.  I know what it’s like to be addicted to short-term pleasure in the face of long-term destruction. It is time for both of us to get real.

Anyone who has ever seen an episode of Intervention knows that addictions are rarely about the drugs. They are about lack of confidence, depression, and the absence of love.  Perhaps all this American arrogance is just a cover for our own self loathing.  We hack and wheeze but still choke down crude because speed and power makes us forget our short comings for the day.   This country needs a natural pick-me-up.  We need to get the balls back that we lost when the twin towers went down. We were emasculated and it is time to resolve this issue in the most healthy and bad ass way possible.  We need to build something big. It is time to build a train.

“Environmentally Friendly Super Express Train”

I’m no engineer for sure, but I think we have forgotten the fun of American ingenuity.  Any train will be far more efficient that then even the tiniest rage filled traffic jam.  So let’s do this with some fucking style.  I’m talking spinning rims, exposed block engine, and rooms full of big ass chairs, giant cup-holders, and every single satellite television channel on the planet.  We will need to build everything ourselves to avoid any possibility of European pretention and Japanese efficiency.  It’s a train all ready… it is efficient and pretentious enough. The New American Monster Garage is now open.  It is time to pimp one serious ride.

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