God help us all if they kiss.

The following scene is an approximate reenactment of an exchange I have repeatedly witnessed in grocery stores across America.

Couple separates from cart in produce section of grocery store.

“Wife” grabs a bunch of approximately nine bananas while “Dude” peruses the apples. Both are almost always wearing either expensive or ridiculous exercise clothes. They may or may not be in excellent shape.

Dude: (insensitive and sarcastic) I am sure we are really going to eat nine bananas.

Wife: (looking around to see if anyone is witnessing what a complete douche her husband is) It’s called Potassium. (used-car salesman smile)

Dude: (contempt) You always know best. (looks down and too the left, eyes expressing the limitless depression of someone living a life based only on fear)

Wife: (pure condescension and utter pity) How many bananas do you think we should get?

Dude: (passive aggressive/vaguely sexist) As many as “we” can afford.

At this point they may now notice that I am watching and start holding hands or being affectionate as an act of defiance. However, I can still tell that they are now remembering they did not fully Purel their cart and are convinced the hand they are clutching will finally infect them with violent terminal disease they always knew it would.  God help us all if they kiss.  Every time a contemptuous couple fake kisses in public … an angel loses it’s wings.

Oh wait…

Let me guess…

You’re staying together for your kids.

I have a surprise for you. They aren’t buying it either.